Fitzgerald Issues Frog-Marching Guidelines
EWM - (October 18, 2005) In anticipation of imminent activity resulting from his two-year investigation into the White House leaking of undercover CIA operative Valerie Plame's identity, Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald has issued guidelines to FBI agents outlining the proper techniques to use when "frog marching" suspects.
It is clear that the ever thorough Fitzgerald does not want any missteps. Due to the historical nature of the upcoming frog marches, and the fact they will be replayed thousands of times on cable news networks, he issued a memorandum on the subject which EWM obtained through a double super-secret source...
We expect that the indicted officials will try and make a break for it, and I remind you that tests conducted at the FBI's Quantico facility show that a frightened suspect can hop away at speeds of up to 11 miles per hour. Should any prisoner attempt to break free, you should Taser them until a large wet spot appears on the groin area of their trousers.
Please resist the temptation to place a silly hat on the suspect during the frog march. Should the prisoner thrash about and endanger himself, you are permitted to whack him senseless with a nightstick and place a child's bicycle helmet on his head to protect him from injury."
Editor's Note: Please excuse the Muse for reporting fantasy. As a Fairly Unbalanced Journalist, it's his calling.
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